**In order to read this post, you must put yourself in a time machine and travel back to June of this year. Once you have done so, please enjoy!
Two years later and I still don’t
feel ready to leave this beautiful city behind. I think back to the timid,
fearful, recently graduated girl I was when I first got off the plane in
Sevilla, and I cannot fathom that she and I are the same person. I embarked on
this incredible adventure not knowing anyone else who would be joining me in
Spain, knowing very little (next to nothing) about teaching English, or
teaching in general, and with very little confidence in my Spanish skills.
Despite having studied abroad in Spain, I was relatively unprepared for moving
and living independently in a foreign country. I have learned and grown so much
over the past two years. Day to
day, it is hard to notice a change of any sort. But when I sit down and reflect
on who I am versus who I was, it is shocking how much has changed.
At the end of last school year, I
left Sevilla thinking that my time here was over. I packed up all my stuff,
donated my towels and bedding to good will, I left nothing behind. Then after
the initial excitement of being back with my friends and family in New York
died down, I found myself quite depressed that I wouldn’t be returning to Sevilla
in the fall. I was “looking for a job” in New York, but for every hour I spent
looking at opportunities in New York, I spent three hours trying to figure out
ways I could get back to Spain. Luckily, I was able to find a way to get back
here. Still teaching English of course, but in a different setting than the
previous year.
Now I sit here at the end of year
2, three weeks away from the end of my contract. I cannot believe that it is
already time to pack up and think about plans for the future. I had a rough
start this year. I was teaching as the primary teacher, as opposed to a
teacher’s assistant. I was in a new town (still in Sevilla), with new
co-workers and students with a completely different schedule from the year
before. There was so much for me to get used to. And even though I knew this
year wouldn’t be the same as the year before, I hardly expected it to be as
different as it was.
I have never been really good at
transitions, so it took me a while to adjust to my new life in Sevilla. I had
to overcome many obstacles the first few months I was here. I told myself that
I would get through the year because I don’t like to give up when things get
tough but that it would be my last year. Having the opposite schedule to all of
your friends is not an easy thing to deal with. While all my friends were done
with work by 2pm, I was just getting ready to leave for work at that time. So
with the opposing schedules I could only get together with friends on the
weekends. Not the end of the world, but took some getting used to. Last year
too much free time, this year not enough. Hard to get it right!
So, yes, I thought this was definitely
to be my last year in Sevilla. And still that might be true. But as I am
finding myself nearer to the time to say goodbye, I feel sad and unsure about
leaving. Natural I know. And I try to think if the benefits of me staying here
outweigh the benefits of moving onto a new experience in my life. My rational
side says move on. My emotionally vulnerable side tells me to stay and see what
another year has to offer. I feel fortunate that I am able to make such a wonderful
decision, but at the same time completely overwhelmed by what lies ahead.
I have my entire life ahead of
me. I am young. They tell me these things and I know its true. But decisions a
person makes when they are young are extremely indicative of the future. I am
writing my own history right here and now. It’s only 10 months, but in 10
months so many things can change. No decision is the wrong decision, so why is
it so hard to choose something?
Back to how I started this post.
I have changed so much over the past two years. I was scared to death when I
first started my job last year, teaching English in a small town near Sevilla.
I knew nothing about the education system in Spain, I knew nothing about
teaching in general. I didn’t know my co-workers or what they expected of me. And
I was not confident in my ability to communicate with anyone.
Well most of you know the end to
this story. I ended up having the most wonderful experience, with kind and
compassionate coworkers who helped make not only my job but also my life in
Spain easier. By the end of the year I was comfortable standing in front of a
classroom of 25 students and explaining something about my language or culture.
I felt comfortable inserting myself into a conversation among my Spanish coworkers
at recess. I had built relationships with my students. I wanted so badly to
repeat my experience but as bureaucracy here (in Spain) doesn’t function as you would
expect, the Spanish government decided to give my position to a complete
stranger to the school, instead of to me.
For that reason I left thinking I
wasn’t coming back. Then, an opportunity was given to me to try something a
little different, teaching at an academy. It is a different experience because, although the classes are smaller, there is no one else in charge of the students
but me. I make lesson plans. I decorate the room. I lay out the rules of the
class and therefore I am in charge of disciplining those who do not follow my
rules. Not an easy task for someone who has a background in education, not an
easy task for someone who has the same native language as their students,
definitely not an easy task for me.
...
Change
I’ve been thinking a lot lately
about that word. Change. It is a phenomenon that almost anyone anywhere in the
world can relate to. Some people fear it while others embrace it. Sometimes
change is positive, sometimes change is negative. Sometimes it creates new
opportunities and sometimes it means losing something we had grown accustomed
to having.
On my second to last night in
Spain, after two years of teaching (and learning), living and exploring, I am
facing a huge change in my life. I cannot qualify this change as either good or
bad, its just not that simple. Although there are a lot of things I am looking
forward to in my near future, I am extremely sad to leave behind all the
relationships I have formed and experiences I have had in the past two years. I
feel now as though I know better how to live in southern Spain than in my own
country.
Living abroad requires a much
more conscience effort to understand a people and their culture. I grew up in
New York. Life is the way it is there and I never thought twice about it because
I never knew any different. Not the case in Spain. I spent my first 6 months here
comparing everything to how things are done in New York. Now, daily life here
seems nothing but normal. These are topics that I have discussed numerous times
before in my blog, so I will not extrapolate here. But I am talking about
things like siesta, beer being cheaper than water, stores being closed on
Sundays, dinner at 10pm, wearing pants until June because even if it is 90
degrees its still not summer yet! I have made a list that I will post at a
later date of ways an American can tell they have been in Spain for a long
time.
So, change. What does this mean
to me? An opportunity to start a new and exciting chapter in my life? While,
yes, it does mean that, I have always been a person to fear change, fear the
unknown. And let’s be honest, everyone does a little. I have never been particularly
good at making transitions, I take a while to adjust to a new situation but
once I do I am usually able to enjoy it to the max. Which is what makes it so
hard for me to leave. Everyone keeps telling me “Sevilla isn’t going anywhere,
it will still be on the map,” and while that is a fair point, what is hard for
some of my friends and co-workers to fathom is that this experience
will never be here again. Even the difference between this year and last year
has been quite unbelievable. Same city, same job, two completely different
years.
I know change is good. I know. I
personally would rather be able to say that I put myself out there and took
risks and sometimes failed, than say that I lived a comfortable life where I
never challenged myself to try something new.
So, as my wise mother once said
to me, “There is a lot of beauty in the world and you must keep discovering it
and carry your experiences with you in your heart.”
All I can do is cherish the
wonderful experiences and memories I have made here in Spain. As of right now,
it looks like this short chapter in my life is ending. (but hey, you never
know) And as sad as I am about it, I am keeping in mind this cliché,
but very true quote:
“No llores porque ya se terminó,
sonrié porque sucedio.” Gabriel Garcia Marquez
“Don’t cry because it’s over,
smile because it happened.” Dr. Suess
(There seems to be some dispute
over who the actual author of this quote is. I give both men credit)
